so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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