u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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