My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
