the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
