We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
