Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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