I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Dear god my vagina.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
