I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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