Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize