It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
