I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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