im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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