if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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