idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
