Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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