Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
