I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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