Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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