I want to have your abortion
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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