"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
