You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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