im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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