dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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