I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
