Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize