I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
