you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
