Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
