She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
