And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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