This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
