my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
