In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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