i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
