Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
