Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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