Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
