My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you had me at cake vodka
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize