Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
whose ass print is on the piano?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
