my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
