I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My penis needs a shock collar
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
