I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
