my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
