he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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