I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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