I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
