i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
