We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
