i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
