he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
