Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
