Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
