My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
