Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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