alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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