Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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