do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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