I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
