I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
